Emotions Suck

I am changing a page into a post. This was posted previously as a page. I don’t know how much more clear I can make that. This was a “page” and now it is a blog “post.” The original small blurb was posted April 13, 2016.

Emotions Suck

Can you see my pain?

So this is where I’m going to write about the shitty emotions I feel all the time right now. It sucks pretty badly. Losing weight fast is not easy. You think it is, but it isn’t. I’m like a bipolar bear. I stomp around, sad, angry, happy, scared, nervous, upset, sad again…just clomping all over the place and all over the people near me.

Update – January 24, 2018

Turns out, I’m actually a bipolar bear. I was diagnosed after a terrible, horrible incident in August, 2017. I have also come to realize I am an alcoholic. That’s not an easy thing to write. Nothing is easy to write right now. I have no energy for creativity. I blame the pills I’m on, but I won’t stop taking them.

The thing no one realizes is that after a RnY surgery, if you drink, you can quickly become an alcoholic. I can drink one drink and feel drunk nearly instantly, but then it fades really quickly, so I drink another, and before I know it, I’m blackout drunk. I have no memory of what I’ve said or done. I have done some horrible things whilst in this state, and I can’t remember any of it. I think that is the worst part–knowing I’ve done something wrong, but not knowing exactly what it was or why I did it.

I nearly destroyed my marriage because of my drinking and my disorder. I always thought I was strong, but with those emotions running through me constantly, I was terrible and weak. I could not control myself. I had no control.

I met another woman who got a DUI during my sheriff’s work who also had the same surgery. She also became addicted to alcohol very quickly. She was out of control as well.

If you get this surgery, don’t drink so much, huh? Just have that one drink and stop there. Even after one drink, I’d sometimes not remember things I’d just said. I love wine. I miss my wine, but I’d miss my husband much more, so I do not drink anything. I don’t even taste, because sometimes, tastes can make me feel drunk. It goes right through the pouch, directly into the intestines, where it hits the body all at once. Boom. Drunk!

I would do anything to keep my marriage of 24 years alive and well, but it is super hard. I feel like I’ve let everyone down. I’ve destroyed my husband’s confidence. I’ve made him depressive and constantly remembering what I’ve done. I can’t do anything to make him understand that I will never do that again except by just not doing it again. I can’t undo anything. I can’t go back in time and stop myself. I can’t help what happened in the past.

My hope is that one day he will forgive me and forget. He will love me with everything the way I love him. Right now, he doesn’t. I am not his everything anymore. That hurts so much to write. But I need to be honest with myself.

I screwed up hard. I lost friends. Friends I’ve had for years. Those are gone forever. I don’t care about those as much as I care about my Dee. I never want to lose that friendship, and I’ve already worn it down so much over the years that this final betrayal may, one day, be the crack that destroys it. I know that. I know that even though he said we will try, he could decide that it is just too hard to go on with me. That it is too hard to be with me.

I’m a hard person to love. I don’t do anything the way I should. I am always one step closer to destruction.

I just want to be happy again.