I haven’t written anything that was really solely for me since I graduated from college, and even then, that writing was for college. I did write a few poems, but each time it felt as though I were trying to hide away from my actual feelings–there has been so much turmoil inside that the poems always came out emo and depressing, the prose followed suit. I always came away from my writing filled with tears and boogers (because of tears) and my whole day would be ruined. I’d be down a dark, deep hole. In a way, it was helpful, as I have always written to understand my feelings, but it just got old. I’m not 16 anymore. Can I please stop being so emotional???
2011 onward has been terribly hard for me.
However, I have decided that it is time to change. I need to focus on myself. I did a thing on Facebook, a “My year in Review” thing, and my husband asked me why I was so depressed. It wasn’t a terrible year, but it ended badly.
I was at a point in my life where I was finally feeling like I was going the right direction. I was actually proud of myself. I was in the career path I wanted to be in–at least I had my toe in the door in the industry I have wanted to be a part of since I can remember thinking about the future. And I ruined it. I lost my job. I wasn’t good enough. I am having a very hard time with that… but I have decided that acting/television/anything to do with anything like that is not a path I will tread. I am laying that dream aside and leaving it as what it is: a dream. It isn’t for me or I’m not for it. Either way, it is done.
I have also decided I’m going to stop writing for other people. Any creative thing that comes out of me will be mine, no one else’s. I’m also done editing for now. However, though I am done “freelancing,” there are those I would still work for, were they to contact me. You know who you may be. I will not do anymore work through any freelance sites (they are terrible anyway), especially not upwork.
Upwork. It used to give you free “credits” with which to bid on jobs (as a freelancer) and you got so many each month. If you wanted more, you could pay for more. You could also pay for a monthly subscription, which gave you a reduction in fees and probably more credits. I don’t know. I never pay to work. (Well, I do, since I use Guru and Upwork.)
Fees work like this:
If I get a 50 dollar job, they take 10 dollars off the top. I get 40 once I’m done. I want to move it from Upwork to my bank? (2 dollar charge) I want to move it to PayPal (1 dollar charge).
And now….now we have to pay for credits as well. So, I’m done with http://www.upwork.com. Also, I was bitching about them to a customer (their fees) and telling her I may leave the site, and they closed my account off until I emailed them back and promised not to take business off their site! She did not report me. They were watching the messaging system for certain keywords…which are meant to protect us, but wowzers, 1984 anyone??
So, Whatcha Goin’ ta Do????
I’m going to write for myself. And my cousin Stevie. I promised him I’d revise his finished book 2 years ago and I’ve been terribly lazy about it. It’s a zombie novel, though, and zombies are booooring now. I’ll do it though. It’s a tad different than those I’ve read and seen.
I have decided, however, that I need structure in my life, so I’m going to have to make a routine or a checklist or something — I will write each day and post something of what I’ve done each day–to keep myself honest and on top of things.
Also, I need to pass my classes in school this semester or I’m failing out. These past few months have made me feel like nothing more than a failure, inside and out. Maybe writing daily will get that out of me, finally. Maybe I’ll start seeing wins??
Who knows!? But I need to do something. I have to get out of this darkness. I can’t live in here anymore.